I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
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It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*