I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
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follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..