me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
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*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
My blood type is b hungry.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!