Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
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Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
bout dat hot dog summer
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Kids: Stay in school.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.