People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
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A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
happy mother’s day❤️
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.