Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
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wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
This is my pinned tweet
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.