I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
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ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.