Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
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You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Facebook Twitter
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.