After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
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How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Follow me for more fitness tips.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.