Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
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“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
The best plant holders?
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
i love modern commerce
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.