Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
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Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.