A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
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You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
If you know, you know
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.