me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
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Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*