goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
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everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
At least try to make it slightly believable
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.