[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
You Might Also Like
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”