“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
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ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home