If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
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[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Our lord and savoury.
Life with a cat in one tweet
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers