There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
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Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Coffee is ready.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
i really liked this one
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.