I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
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Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Bringing home a sharpie
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation