According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
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Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Reporter: *ports again*
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.