HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
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*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Monday?
No. Next question.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once