Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
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Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”