Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
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Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.