[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
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All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
screw you
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
🤣😂
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way