*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
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I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield