if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
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I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.