I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
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My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.