[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
You Might Also Like
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.