Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
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Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I’d love this…lol
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure