The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
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GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…