Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
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Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.