So many pants.
So little yoga.
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Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.