Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
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Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things