The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
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Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
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Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER