*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
You Might Also Like
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
next question.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always