pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
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[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Quadruple digit IQ
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!