My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
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*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
meow
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭