Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
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Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce