The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
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Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here