*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.