[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
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*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I am having an out of money experience.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
The symmetry is uncanny.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.