therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
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T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*