Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
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GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I’m already scared
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Genius idea!!
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Facebook marketplace is a different world