I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
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A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.