I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
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I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.