I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
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Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
😂😂
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”