(before sex)
*sings national anthem
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You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
This is why I hate group projects
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Well, shit
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *