[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
You Might Also Like
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.