You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
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The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?