you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
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will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Hot Panini is in big trouble
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?